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happyheartslight
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Name: mary
Country: India
Metro: Mumbai
Interests: these are a few of my favorite things:
mexico, guatemala, honduras, belize, costa rica, nicaragua, columbia, bolivia, peru, italy, england, scotland, ireland, morocco, ethiopia, kenya, india, myanmar (aka burma), thailand, cambodia, and nepal. painting, sketching, sculpting, stained glass, mosaics, and any other form of art. writing. national geographic. cello, singing, and jbc gospel choir. laughing. hot tea. running. the sky. skinny dipping (especially at midnight in the gulf of mexico). dance parties with michelle, or with anyone really, or by myself. my tattoo. not shaving. the sweet scar on my ankle. my family. mississippi. incense. beautiful music by brilliant musicians and songwriters like lost dogs, innocense mission, nickel creek, andrew peterson, wake the dead and indigo girls. keystone camp and standing on the x. good conversations. awkwardness. freedom.
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/28/2005
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| Check out rabbitwife.com. Jesse created this site for us months ago as an outlet for us to share our creations. He has been consistent, I have not. This, however, is the beginning of change.
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| Okay, I know it is way lame of me to want to keep up a Xanga when I'm 21 and married, but I decided I do...for a while at least.
Overall, I am very happy, mostly because I've decided to be. Tonight, I am a little melancholy. I feel like I have failed at so many things. I am 21. I've been married for a year and a half. I have an Associates degree from Johnson Bible College. I work at Marble Slab. Fail. I want so much more, but I don't know what to do. I hated school so much. I want to go back, just to say I have a degree, but I don't want to because I hated it. But what am I going to do with my life without a degree? Work at Marble Slab? Not okay. Not okay at all. But what would I even major in? And would it ever really pay off? I'd have to drown myself in debt to go back and do something I hate, and if I major in something I love, like music or writing, I'll never make any money. But if I major in something like teaching, I don't think I'd really be happy. Maybe, but I don't know. I hate this so much. What I really want to do is have a baby. But I don't want to be poor and have a baby. And if I don't want to be poor, I need a degree. But if I have a baby, I want to be with him / her. I don't want to be working. So what really needs to happen is Jesse needs to double his salary. :) I wish all of this was easier. I think everyone goes through it, and gets through it. I hope I will...really fast.
:( I just don't know what to do.
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| After my feelings from my last post, something beautiful and urgent stirred up in me: a longing for God's word more deeply and truly than I have ever felt it. I chose to read Hebrews, and I am so thankful I did. It has spoken to me and revitalized me so much. I really love it. I'm so glad I came to that realization that I was drifting away from the joy of redemption that God offers us in daily life. I'm so glad God made me see that and showed me the only way to change it. He is so patient and good. I am trying to focus on not letting my heart harden, and I can feel God changing that already. What would I do without him? What would I do if he were any less perfect than his is in his interaction with me? I feel very refreshed spiritually. I know this may not last long, but I know I can learn from it, and know that I can persevere through dry spells with God's help, and resting places like this will come. I am so grateful. I'm at camp and I love it so much. It's my little haven. I can't wait to see Jesse again and for school to start, especially choir! I just feel like things are really looking up, and I'm learning to be at a good place in my life. I'm happy...even joyful. : ) | | |
| What happened to me? What is this "life," this "time" you speak of, that moves us and everything around us, which won't allow circumstance to remain stagnant? What is that force that makes us want tomorrow? And when it comes, how deeply its counterforce makes us long for yesterday. I am ever so happy, but at the same time, I miss the person I used to be. Where is the spark and passion that I used to feel daily? I blame China. :) That would be easy. I do feel, though, certainly through no fault of China itself, that my time there is the point at which I stopped being the person I want to be. Where is joy? True joy--not happiness. I was abandoned by this fruit of the spirit, or more likely, I abandoned it. What happened to me there? I'm afraid I know, and I'm afraid that I only realized it just as I am writing this. I weakened. I made myself vulnerable to Satan, and he took advantage of my state. He stole joy from me. I want to worship my God again. I want to fall so deeply in love with him. Why do we have to go through this honeymoon phase with Christ? I hate that I long for the passion that I felt in the beginning of my life with him. Christ, please restore me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, beautiful and perfect one. | | |
| I'M ENGAGED TO JESSE STUART WATKINS...FOR REALS! | | |
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